It's been a while since I've had an update, so I figured that while the videos are slowly grinding along, I'd share what's on my mind. I'm thinking of making a recurring series of joke-technology ads, as in "hahah, no, this doesn't really exist... although we have the technology to make this happen right now, just saying." Consider it the byproduct of an active imagination married to an education in engineering. With that in mind...
The holiday season involves a lot of stress for everyone. For some, it means braving the roiling seas of malcontented bargain-hunters who will gleefully curb-stomp you to death for that last rotating waffle iron ("but it guarantees an even browning on all sides!"). For others, the season is accompanied by unprecedented spending that makes your bank account balance sink faster than the Lusitania. Many have also come to associate the holidays with commuting long distances through fierce weather and dangerous travel conditions*. But there's one thing more intolerable than all of these factors put together: those infectious, hell-spawned Christmas songs that follow you to the ends of the earth! Nothing about this time of year is quite so repulsive as the relentless acoustic onslaught of those damnable jingles that abuse your ears with their revoltingly-saccharine melodies so painfully often that they make the idea of drowning in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic seem an appealing alternative.
These things follow you everywhere.
The undying wails of bygone eras lie dormant in the back of radio broadcast storerooms and playlist shuffles like some long-forgotten leftovers buried in the back of the fridge, slowly festering and putrifying for months behind the cartons of Chinese take-out boxes and old orange juice bottles until the fateful day when an unsuspecting victim opens the door and falls prey to their rancid odors.
No place can offer safety, nowhere can a person find refuge from the inexorable tide of maudlin warbling the likes of which would make one of Santa's little helpers puke a rainbow of candy canes and gumdrops.
Around every corner it's there waiting for you; it's hiding in every elevator stereo, every movie theater preview, every tech-support hold line. This tinkling, sparkling amalgamation of reindeer stool and glitter has suffused itself into every corner of creation!
But, weary consumer, have no fear, for you're living in the future, where problems only happen to people who can't engineer! And so, people of earth, I present to you the Animus Anthem Department of Technological Services' Christmas-Canceling Headphones™! Keep the holiday haranguing at bay with the latest in audio-processing technology.
Here's how it works: you install an app on your phone that uses its microphone to persistently scan for any potential musical atrocities waiting to be committed against your ears. When a Christmas song is detected, the phone will identify the song and retrieve the exact waveform of the entire recording (which shouldn't be difficult, considering that they've been playing the same damned Bing Crosby LP for the last 75 years). The waveform is then inverted so that, when played at the same time as the offending jingle, the two noises cancel each other out to produce silence. Then, as an added layer of protection, the app will go into your music library and play a song randomly chosen from your favorited playlists, effectively drowning out the glitzy pop-apocalypse and replacing it with music that doesn't send you into a spiraling vortex of headaches and rage.
This December, let our family here at Animus Anthem lift your holiday spirits!
Animus Anthem's Department of Technological Services: Forcing the Future to Behave Itself.